The Lesson of Letting Go

Hello dear readers.

I'm back after a super intense summer of profound self work and I need to write about it. Because writing deepens my understanding of the process and helps to soothe the parts of me that spin in anxiety about the process and the outcomes.

To start, you must know that I am quite a spiritual person who finds much meaning in life's experiences. I am also deep feeler, a romantic, a poet, a healer, a seeker, a softie. I am coming to a place where I can no longer be silent about the injustices of the world. And I don't want to be. I am a thought leader. I am a truth teller. I am a meaning maker. I am diplomatic, compassionate, emotive,
generous with my energy, my thoughts, and my ability to hold space for others.

I have been on this journey of self work and self healing for a while now, and shit got REAL in March when I realized I needed to focus on some attachment issues that were showing up. So, I emailed my therapist. (Side note: Thank goodness I have a therapist that I love, trust, and have a meaningful relationship with. The value of good therapy is highly underrated!*)

My sweet attachment issues arrived in the form of sadness, anger, and grief. They had something to say. I was disinterested in being connected, resentful of my relationships, and deeply burdened by my own thought processes. I tried to soothe myself, to talk through it, to isolate. Nothing was moving the pain.

I went on several vacations throughout the summer and, even then, I could not shake the sadness, the grief, the anger that were all emerging, collecting within me. They were surfacing all. the. freaking. time. I was annoyed while hiking. I was crying on the plane. I was mad at the 4th of July camping celebration. (Side note: I don't believe in the 4th of July. Celebrating this America where people are still subject to racism, sexism, homophobia, children in cages, etc? No thanks. I'll celebrate my freedom of speech while I use my voice to speak about injustices and wait for everyone to catch up.)

I was questioning EVERYTHING. Why do I do this? Why do I believe that? Who really am I underneath all of this cultural programming? Who are we all? Can I believe anything I see, hear, feel? CAN'T WE BE BETTER THAN ALL THIS?

It was intense.

But I knew that if I stayed with it, if I could just see the feelings through to the other side, I would understand. I just had to stay with my feelings. They usually bring me to a place of deep knowing.

Just as I predicted, it happened. By the end of August -- in an odd twist of very sad events -- I had an ironic epiphany: I am over-identified with my thoughts and feelings.

Ha! What are the odds?

Yes, shit was (and still is) getting real inside of me. Yes, I continue to question all I have ever believed in. Yes, this chaos feels uncontained and swirling and sometimes dangerous! But it's leading me somewhere. And I need to follow.

It's the way to a new belief system. It's the way to awareness and healing. And I don't have to complicate it all by holding fast to my thoughts and feelings. I can feel them and let. them. go.

It's a huge lesson for me. Letting go. It always has been. I am learning to let go of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I am learning to let go of control. Letting go is truly the way to internal freedom.

And at the same time, I am also learning boundaries. I am learning to conserve my energy. I am learning to heal my nervous system. I am learning to forgive myself. I am learning to take action in my life despite the feeling wildly uncomfortable most of the time. I'm learning to acknowledge my ambivalence, but not let it drive my decisions.

It is a season of learning for me. And a season of letting go.

-- 

*I have a very detailed and reliable system for finding a good therapist. I'll post it another time. 

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